Things They Like #14: Being an Old Man

Essentially, the goal of an unpopular girl's life is to be an old man. The sweaters, the hermitude -- it's all there. But don't confuse this geriatric-love with transgender feelings. A majority of transsexuals were actually quite popular girls/boys before they, well, trans-gendered. And it would be just too easy if all unpopular girls wanted to get a change in their down-there parts: "I pretty much knew when she dressed up as Max Fischer for Halloween."



No, unpopular girls want to be old men because this comes as a handy excuse for carrying handkerchiefs and calling people "son". It's also just a more realistic goal than saying that they want to grow up to be America's Next Top Model, or someone with multiple sex partners -- it's just not gonna happen, and unpopular girls, having gone through the strife of their parents' divorce or not being asked to Senior Prom, are grounded enough to accept this. Also, this old-man-desire lets unpopular girls feel as though they can somehow relate better to Dana Carvey's Grumpy Old Man bit. If ever they show this to you, or somehow get you into a conversation concerning it, just tell them, "Dude, when I saw that, I totally couldn't stop thinking of you -- and J.D. Salinger." You will have them elated for years to come.