Things They Like #14: Driving Aimlessly

Unpopular girls are, unanimously, quite the fans of aimless driving.

This provides ample time during which to do things like make inappropriate jokes without worrying about strangers overhearing, telling improvised scary stories that don't really have a climax but still end up lasting a rambling twenty minutes, and not bothering to actually have anywhere to go. Understandably, a lot of aimless drives end up at the local Denny's.



Remember, though, that the majority of unpopular girls don't actually have their licenses. This becomes troubling in the acquisition of a driver for these purposeless excursions, but once one is found, advantageous in that it often allows for the avoidance of actually paying for gas.

Things They Like #20: Making Lists

Unpopular girls love to make lists because they have "identity problems." Thus, lists are a useful tool because unpopular girls can just memorize long sequences of things and people that they like or admire, instead of actually taking the time to analyze themselves and figure out what makes them unique. Which probably isn't much.

Also, unpopular girls would never give up an opportunity to "impress" others by reciting all of their top thirty-five favorite films, in alphabetical order, though this rarely seems to inspire the desired amount of awe.

Things They Like #19: Their Younger Selves

Unpopular girls yearn for the good ol' days, back before they became so unpopular. It was a time of pure potential, when their destiny wasn't yet revealed to include never getting asked to the big Homecoming Dance, or growing up to have more cats overall than lovers.

Unpopular girls embrace this childhood yearning by adopting many aspects of their younger days. They might start dressing like they did in their infancy -- to an unpopular girl, there is nothing cooler than the sundress/white tights/maryjanes combo, except perhaps saddle shoes. They also might start watching television shows (Hey Arnold!, The Secret Life of Alex Mack, Clarissa Explains it All; pretty much anything from Nickelodeon in the 1990s) that they liked in elementary school, or playing board games of which they were fond around then, too.

But often this regression to kid-like tendencies comes in the form of media collection. It has already been established that unpopular girls love VHS tapes, but those tapes get even better when on them are movies intended for children. Children's music (Raffi, Charlotte Diamond, that one CD They Might Be Giants put out), books (Wayside Stories from Wayside School, The Fantastic Mr. Fox), and books-on-tape (Mr. Tickle, Sky Full of Babies) are also frequent contributions to unpopular girls' accumulations of useless (yet nostalgia-inducing!) things that they've purchased at Goodwill.

Things They Like #18: Respect for People They've Never Met

There are people who watch TV for free on the internet, and there are unpopular girls.

Unpopular girls feel an innate responsibility to not only refrain from reporting the people who upload copyright-infringing content, but to join their ranks. Unpopular girls will spend hours conducting google searches, copying embed codes, and copy-editing episode descriptions for their favorite shows from the late nineties or early aughts that no one else decided to stream before.



"Hey," they'll post on websites like Sidereel, "all the megavideo links for 204 are invalid, can a mod please delete them?"

Unpopular girls would almost even forego a DVD-commentary track watching opportunity, just for the chance to see a page of episode links and pridefully think they they created that TV show page, and added those links to copyrighted content that they uploaded via torrents it took a long, hard two days to download.

And you wondered why they never fulfilled their high school community service requirement.

Things They Like #17: Wearing Their PJs All Day Long

Who needs clothing when you've got sweat-pants and an "ironic" t-shirt purchased at Goodwill?

Not unpopular girls.

In terms of fashion, unpopular girls are notorious -- perhaps even more so than wearing hideous, unmatching, why-ever-did-she-ever-even-think-about-buying-that outfits -- for their love of pyjamas. Pyjamas all day long.



Grant unpopular girls one wish, and if they have already met the creator of their favorite television program, then they are going to ask that life have no dresscode, and that "I Got Ants in my Pants!" pyjama bottoms can finally count as formal wear.

PJs are so great because they are comfortable, they sometimes have deep pockets for holding things like MP3 players or pocket dictionaries, and they are loose enough to make room for any sort of body-consciousness. Like seriously, everybody basically looks like a baggy rhinoceros while wearing sweatpants.

But under no circumstance should people who enjoy donning "Juicy Suits" be considered in the same pyjama-category. That fashion statement is of an entirely different kind. Unpopular girls don't wear pyjamas with such suggestive language printed on the derriere. Unpopular girls also don't get laid.

Things They Like #16: Pride for Other People

Unpopular girls love feeling "proud" of people they have never met:

"Oh, I'm so proud of Dan Harmom and Rob Schrab for making Monster House -- it was actually funny, and school appropriate!"



But do not be fooled by this apparent enthusiasm for a multi-million-dollar picture. It is merely the standard unpopular girl response to any project that made one of their favorite actors/directors/screenwriters/musicians/novelists/comedians money, but not household-name status.

In the sad case that unpopular girl indie cred is actually lost, feelings of "pride" are immediately revoked, providing ample opportunity to complain about their hero "selling out". The best thing to do in a situation like this is to console, and reassure the unpopular girl that nobody even really noticed Michael Cera in Juno anyway.

Things They Like #15: Goodwill

Oh, Goodwill. Where else could unpopular girls find their old man sweaters, their ugly floral skirts, and their Elton John 1996 Concert t-shirts?

Nowhere. Except maybe somewhere kind of expensive. But then unpopular girls would miss out on that thrifty, self-satisfied feeling that comes with saving someone else's garbage from being thrown out again. And not even just garments! Goodwill (and to a lesser extent, Value Village and the Salvation Army) also accommodates unpopular girls in their never-ending thirst for obsolete technologies, ugly knick-knacks, and children's VHS tapes. Type-writers galore, ask an unpopular girl to go to Goodwill with you, and with $40 or less, she will purchase her wardrobe for the next four years, as well as a 1991 Karaoke Hits Tape. Who said you can't buy happiness?

Things They Like #14: Being an Old Man

Essentially, the goal of an unpopular girl's life is to be an old man. The sweaters, the hermitude -- it's all there. But don't confuse this geriatric-love with transgender feelings. A majority of transsexuals were actually quite popular girls/boys before they, well, trans-gendered. And it would be just too easy if all unpopular girls wanted to get a change in their down-there parts: "I pretty much knew when she dressed up as Max Fischer for Halloween."



No, unpopular girls want to be old men because this comes as a handy excuse for carrying handkerchiefs and calling people "son". It's also just a more realistic goal than saying that they want to grow up to be America's Next Top Model, or someone with multiple sex partners -- it's just not gonna happen, and unpopular girls, having gone through the strife of their parents' divorce or not being asked to Senior Prom, are grounded enough to accept this. Also, this old-man-desire lets unpopular girls feel as though they can somehow relate better to Dana Carvey's Grumpy Old Man bit. If ever they show this to you, or somehow get you into a conversation concerning it, just tell them, "Dude, when I saw that, I totally couldn't stop thinking of you -- and J.D. Salinger." You will have them elated for years to come.

Things They Like #13: Cats

Cats are the best kind of animal for unpopular girls because they can fill that space in their hearts and beds that should be devoted to a significant other.



Unpopular girls like cats because they:

-are adorable

-are hairy

-don't generally jump up on the table when someone left their chair pushed out and eat an entire pizza

-whine a lot

These attributes allow unpopular girls to relate to cats more than they do most other humans. They also enjoy the snuggling aspect of said animals.

Things They Like #12: The Internet

The internet is, hands down, the favorite thing of unpopular girls. It is such an intertwined aspect of their existence that they know, deep down, that they probably would have actually been very bored in the nineties.

The internet is great for myriad reasons. First, of course, is the watching-videos aspect. Unpopular girls could not get by without youtube and other streaming-video websites. Who watches television shows when they're actually airing? Not unpopular girls. Ask them to find X episode of X obscure television show, and they will gladly spend hours scouring the internet looking for it for you. Tell them you never could have found it without their help, and they will feel ecstatically happy and like a useful part of society for days.

In addition to posting blogs and reading wikipedia, the internet is also a great way for unpopular girls to keep up with the few friends they already have. There are sundry websites devoted to this sole task (facebook, myspace), but having obnoxiously long e-mail threads is a choice favorite of unpopular girls everywhere. Why call someone when you can hope that they'll go online and read your e-mail before it's too late?



When worst comes to worst, unpopular girls will send a text-message, but always with proper grammar and punctuation.

Things They Like #11: Claymation

There is only one documented case of an unpopular girl not liking claymation, and that was because she was afraid of it. Other than her, every unpopular girl loves claymation because it is more "real" than computer-animation, and, like hand-drawn animation, takes an inordinately longer time to make. Thus, unpopular girls can feel proud that they spent many hours making something that would take only a few minutes on flash, and would look a lot less choppy.

If you ever encounter a rare silence during conversation with an unpopular girl, ask them about their most recent claymation or stop-motion project. Even if they have not yet made such a kind of video, they will most definitely be planning to, and will likely have a storyboard or two to happily show you.

Things They Like #10: Youtube Videos

Unpopular girls love basically everything about youtube videos. They love spending hours watching them, and they love spending hours making them, and they love spending hours uploading them. They also like linking to videos they have uploaded, sending each other videos they may or may have not uploaded, and making playlists so that they can find videos someone else uploaded again.



The one thing unpopular girls don't like about youtube videos is when people post negative comments on their videos. But the unpopular girls use this to their advantage by turning the comment into an insult about the commenter. They also like telling their friends about how ridiculously stupid everyone on youtube is.

Things They Like #9: Denny's

What better restaurant could there be for unpopular girls other than Denny's? None, with the possible exception of iHop. This is because Denny's combines some of unpopular girls' favorite things: carbohydrates, steak, and not paying very much money. Geeze, they can order a Breakfast Grand Slam, and get four bowls of creamy grits, for only $5.99! This is like breakfast-food heaven for unpopular girls.



Another thing unpopular girls enjoy doing is leaving notes for Denny's wait-staff to read. Often, though not always, these notes will take the form of a clever poem, rhyming something with the server's first name.

Things They Like #8: Gay People

Whether they are gay, they know someone who's gay, or they like a gay character on a TV show, unpopular girls have a well-known passion for homophilia.



Ask them who their favorite character on Degrassi: the Next Generation is, and they will no doubt tell you Marco, or that at one point it was Marco, but now is Paige.

Unpopular girls enjoy taking part in activities like AIDS Relief Bakesales, telling people that no, they are straight, and watching Brokeback Mountain. Unpopular girls also like making jokes about gay people -- but it's okay; they're not homophobic. They're in GSA!

Things They Like #7: Bands with Absurdly Long Names

Having an absurdly long name is a hallmark of obscure bands. Unpopular girls love this because it ensures a lack of mainstream appeal, by being too long to say in one breath on the radio, and by requiring a "..." on an rPod.

Unpopular girls also love turning unreasonably long names into acronyms. That's probably why they're so unpopular.

Things They Like #6: Making Fun of Themselves

There is no better (and more thinly-veiled) way to mask self-loathing than through self-deprecation, and, thus, unpopular girls have made it a top priority. They engage in said activity by making jokes, posting on livejournal, and thinking about how much better everyone else is than them. This is very productive for unpopular girls, because it helps them come up with more things that they should do, but will probably never.



Unpopular girls also like self-mockery because they feel it brings them closer to their favorite stand-up comedians.

Things They Like #5: The Nineties

Unpopular girls love love love the nineties. They love that time period so much because they feel as though if they had been a teenager during it, then they wouldn't be so unpopular.



Key points of appeal of the nineteen-nineties are its sketch comedy (The State, Mr Show, Saturday Night Live when it was actually good), its television shows ("Snick" line-up, everything that premiered in 1999), and plaid. Unpopular girls will often sometimes tell you that they love bands from the nineties, back before they sold out, but that is just their excuse to listen to Modest Mouse. Other than that, the only musical group from that era that unpopular girls will associate themselves with is Pavement, but usually just in a self-deprecating, "ironic" way.

Unpopular girls also find tragedies (West Memphis Three, Columbine, Jonesboro) that occurred before 2000, but after 1989, just that much more fascinating, and worthy of scouring the library for documentaries on.

Things They Like #4: IMDB

Unpopular girls love the Internet Movie Database for sundry, all-equally-pointless reasons:

1) They can learn even more facts about not-very-famous movie-makers, to add to the plethora of knowledge they have already acquired, and would be very willing and happy to share with you.

2) Crispin H. Glover has mentioned "the IMDB" in several interviews, as well as that time he screened his movie and did a Q & A afterwards.

3) Unpopular girls wish to one day top, or at least equal, the Internet Movie Database in its ability to connect their favorite screenwriters, editors, actors, set-decorators, and directors, via projects they have worked on.

4) They can look up who played that one guy David was going out with that one time (he was the teacher in Veronica Mars and the nurse guy in Knocked Up).

Things They Like #3: Obscure Shit

"Obscure shit" is the life-essence of unpopular girls. Without it, their existences would be devoid of meaning. One of their favorite bands being heard on the radio, or one of their favorite films getting an Oscar nomination could potentially cause weeks, or even month(s) of crying, and reminding everyone that they knew them way back when.

And if Oprah recommends one of their favorite books -- oh man, you better call that suicide hotline.



Apart from spending hours watching television on the internet, one of unpopular girls' most coveted activities is battling each other at who knows the most obscure band. The top contenders are groups that don't even have myspaces yet, but mention Ethan Fogus, and even the least popular girl will have to admit that you've won.

Things They Like #2: Sweaters

Sweaters are a fashion staple for all kinds of unpopular girls. Whether kind-of-flabby, or, in rare cases, unappealingly thin, sweaters are the perfect garment with which to cultivate that enigmatic "baggy" look. And, being unanimously self-conscious and and afraid of having sex-appeal, this has come to be one of the top styles for unpopular girls everywhere.



Also, sweaters are a great asset in unpopular girls' ever-progressing, but ultimately fruitless quest to be old (British) men.