Things They Like #16: Pride for Other People

Unpopular girls love feeling "proud" of people they have never met:

"Oh, I'm so proud of Dan Harmom and Rob Schrab for making Monster House -- it was actually funny, and school appropriate!"



But do not be fooled by this apparent enthusiasm for a multi-million-dollar picture. It is merely the standard unpopular girl response to any project that made one of their favorite actors/directors/screenwriters/musicians/novelists/comedians money, but not household-name status.

In the sad case that unpopular girl indie cred is actually lost, feelings of "pride" are immediately revoked, providing ample opportunity to complain about their hero "selling out". The best thing to do in a situation like this is to console, and reassure the unpopular girl that nobody even really noticed Michael Cera in Juno anyway.

Things They Like #15: Goodwill

Oh, Goodwill. Where else could unpopular girls find their old man sweaters, their ugly floral skirts, and their Elton John 1996 Concert t-shirts?

Nowhere. Except maybe somewhere kind of expensive. But then unpopular girls would miss out on that thrifty, self-satisfied feeling that comes with saving someone else's garbage from being thrown out again. And not even just garments! Goodwill (and to a lesser extent, Value Village and the Salvation Army) also accommodates unpopular girls in their never-ending thirst for obsolete technologies, ugly knick-knacks, and children's VHS tapes. Type-writers galore, ask an unpopular girl to go to Goodwill with you, and with $40 or less, she will purchase her wardrobe for the next four years, as well as a 1991 Karaoke Hits Tape. Who said you can't buy happiness?

Things They Like #14: Being an Old Man

Essentially, the goal of an unpopular girl's life is to be an old man. The sweaters, the hermitude -- it's all there. But don't confuse this geriatric-love with transgender feelings. A majority of transsexuals were actually quite popular girls/boys before they, well, trans-gendered. And it would be just too easy if all unpopular girls wanted to get a change in their down-there parts: "I pretty much knew when she dressed up as Max Fischer for Halloween."



No, unpopular girls want to be old men because this comes as a handy excuse for carrying handkerchiefs and calling people "son". It's also just a more realistic goal than saying that they want to grow up to be America's Next Top Model, or someone with multiple sex partners -- it's just not gonna happen, and unpopular girls, having gone through the strife of their parents' divorce or not being asked to Senior Prom, are grounded enough to accept this. Also, this old-man-desire lets unpopular girls feel as though they can somehow relate better to Dana Carvey's Grumpy Old Man bit. If ever they show this to you, or somehow get you into a conversation concerning it, just tell them, "Dude, when I saw that, I totally couldn't stop thinking of you -- and J.D. Salinger." You will have them elated for years to come.

Things They Like #13: Cats

Cats are the best kind of animal for unpopular girls because they can fill that space in their hearts and beds that should be devoted to a significant other.



Unpopular girls like cats because they:

-are adorable

-are hairy

-don't generally jump up on the table when someone left their chair pushed out and eat an entire pizza

-whine a lot

These attributes allow unpopular girls to relate to cats more than they do most other humans. They also enjoy the snuggling aspect of said animals.

Things They Don't Like #2: Getting Drunk

Unpopular girls have been drunk, if at all, one or two times during their unpopular lifetimes. Though not ever having engaged in alcohol consumption does cause them an adequate amount of sadness, the actual act of drinking seems, to them, anti-climactic. They do not make any grave "mistakes" that they will regret the following morning and for the rest of their lives, and they feel approximately the same amount of stupid and giggly that they usually do, though just with an added degree of nauseous.

The best thing you can do if you encounter a drunk unpopular girl is pork her, because then she can not only have a new life-experience to blog about and a new reason to attend therapy, but the feeling that she's reached a new plateau of normalcy. When in reality, she was just kind of tipsy and kept telling you to "rub one out".

Things They Like #12: The Internet

The internet is, hands down, the favorite thing of unpopular girls. It is such an intertwined aspect of their existence that they know, deep down, that they probably would have actually been very bored in the nineties.

The internet is great for myriad reasons. First, of course, is the watching-videos aspect. Unpopular girls could not get by without youtube and other streaming-video websites. Who watches television shows when they're actually airing? Not unpopular girls. Ask them to find X episode of X obscure television show, and they will gladly spend hours scouring the internet looking for it for you. Tell them you never could have found it without their help, and they will feel ecstatically happy and like a useful part of society for days.

In addition to posting blogs and reading wikipedia, the internet is also a great way for unpopular girls to keep up with the few friends they already have. There are sundry websites devoted to this sole task (facebook, myspace), but having obnoxiously long e-mail threads is a choice favorite of unpopular girls everywhere. Why call someone when you can hope that they'll go online and read your e-mail before it's too late?



When worst comes to worst, unpopular girls will send a text-message, but always with proper grammar and punctuation.

Things They Like #11: Claymation

There is only one documented case of an unpopular girl not liking claymation, and that was because she was afraid of it. Other than her, every unpopular girl loves claymation because it is more "real" than computer-animation, and, like hand-drawn animation, takes an inordinately longer time to make. Thus, unpopular girls can feel proud that they spent many hours making something that would take only a few minutes on flash, and would look a lot less choppy.

If you ever encounter a rare silence during conversation with an unpopular girl, ask them about their most recent claymation or stop-motion project. Even if they have not yet made such a kind of video, they will most definitely be planning to, and will likely have a storyboard or two to happily show you.

Things They Like #10: Youtube Videos

Unpopular girls love basically everything about youtube videos. They love spending hours watching them, and they love spending hours making them, and they love spending hours uploading them. They also like linking to videos they have uploaded, sending each other videos they may or may have not uploaded, and making playlists so that they can find videos someone else uploaded again.



The one thing unpopular girls don't like about youtube videos is when people post negative comments on their videos. But the unpopular girls use this to their advantage by turning the comment into an insult about the commenter. They also like telling their friends about how ridiculously stupid everyone on youtube is.

Things They Like #9: Denny's

What better restaurant could there be for unpopular girls other than Denny's? None, with the possible exception of iHop. This is because Denny's combines some of unpopular girls' favorite things: carbohydrates, steak, and not paying very much money. Geeze, they can order a Breakfast Grand Slam, and get four bowls of creamy grits, for only $5.99! This is like breakfast-food heaven for unpopular girls.



Another thing unpopular girls enjoy doing is leaving notes for Denny's wait-staff to read. Often, though not always, these notes will take the form of a clever poem, rhyming something with the server's first name.

Things They Like #8: Gay People

Whether they are gay, they know someone who's gay, or they like a gay character on a TV show, unpopular girls have a well-known passion for homophilia.



Ask them who their favorite character on Degrassi: the Next Generation is, and they will no doubt tell you Marco, or that at one point it was Marco, but now is Paige.

Unpopular girls enjoy taking part in activities like AIDS Relief Bakesales, telling people that no, they are straight, and watching Brokeback Mountain. Unpopular girls also like making jokes about gay people -- but it's okay; they're not homophobic. They're in GSA!

Things They Like #7: Bands with Absurdly Long Names

Having an absurdly long name is a hallmark of obscure bands. Unpopular girls love this because it ensures a lack of mainstream appeal, by being too long to say in one breath on the radio, and by requiring a "..." on an rPod.

Unpopular girls also love turning unreasonably long names into acronyms. That's probably why they're so unpopular.

Things They Don't Like #1: Driving

Unpopular girls are notorious for disliking driving. It is one of the few subjects -- coupled with why they don't have a boyfriend -- which they do not enjoy discussing at length.



The main reason for this reticence, and the aversion in the first place, is because unpopular girls don't have their licenses. They have many explanations at-the-ready to rationalize this, though truly it is just because they are afraid of taking the driving test. But do not point this out to them in conversation. If you do so, they will quickly change the subject and go on a tirade about how no one listens to good music, or knows the screenwriter of their favorite film.

Instead, let them tell you why they can't drive:

-They can always just take the bus or ride their bike (and if they can't ride a bike, as some very unpopular girls can't, then they can always ask their grandma for a ride).

-They're going to live in New York so they don't need to drive anyway.

-They can't stand practicing with their parents, or vice-versa.

-If they do, their parents/siblings/friends will exploit the relationship to get rides.

Nevertheless, not-driving is very frustrating for unpopular girls when it prevents them from seeing their favorite obscure-bands-with-long-names, though that does ultimately give them another thing to complain about (what else would they need a livejournal for?).

Things They Like #6: Making Fun of Themselves

There is no better (and more thinly-veiled) way to mask self-loathing than through self-deprecation, and, thus, unpopular girls have made it a top priority. They engage in said activity by making jokes, posting on livejournal, and thinking about how much better everyone else is than them. This is very productive for unpopular girls, because it helps them come up with more things that they should do, but will probably never.



Unpopular girls also like self-mockery because they feel it brings them closer to their favorite stand-up comedians.

Things They Like #5: The Nineties

Unpopular girls love love love the nineties. They love that time period so much because they feel as though if they had been a teenager during it, then they wouldn't be so unpopular.



Key points of appeal of the nineteen-nineties are its sketch comedy (The State, Mr Show, Saturday Night Live when it was actually good), its television shows ("Snick" line-up, everything that premiered in 1999), and plaid. Unpopular girls will often sometimes tell you that they love bands from the nineties, back before they sold out, but that is just their excuse to listen to Modest Mouse. Other than that, the only musical group from that era that unpopular girls will associate themselves with is Pavement, but usually just in a self-deprecating, "ironic" way.

Unpopular girls also find tragedies (West Memphis Three, Columbine, Jonesboro) that occurred before 2000, but after 1989, just that much more fascinating, and worthy of scouring the library for documentaries on.

Things They Like #4: IMDB

Unpopular girls love the Internet Movie Database for sundry, all-equally-pointless reasons:

1) They can learn even more facts about not-very-famous movie-makers, to add to the plethora of knowledge they have already acquired, and would be very willing and happy to share with you.

2) Crispin H. Glover has mentioned "the IMDB" in several interviews, as well as that time he screened his movie and did a Q & A afterwards.

3) Unpopular girls wish to one day top, or at least equal, the Internet Movie Database in its ability to connect their favorite screenwriters, editors, actors, set-decorators, and directors, via projects they have worked on.

4) They can look up who played that one guy David was going out with that one time (he was the teacher in Veronica Mars and the nurse guy in Knocked Up).

Things They Like #3: Obscure Shit

"Obscure shit" is the life-essence of unpopular girls. Without it, their existences would be devoid of meaning. One of their favorite bands being heard on the radio, or one of their favorite films getting an Oscar nomination could potentially cause weeks, or even month(s) of crying, and reminding everyone that they knew them way back when.

And if Oprah recommends one of their favorite books -- oh man, you better call that suicide hotline.



Apart from spending hours watching television on the internet, one of unpopular girls' most coveted activities is battling each other at who knows the most obscure band. The top contenders are groups that don't even have myspaces yet, but mention Ethan Fogus, and even the least popular girl will have to admit that you've won.

Things They Like #2: Sweaters

Sweaters are a fashion staple for all kinds of unpopular girls. Whether kind-of-flabby, or, in rare cases, unappealingly thin, sweaters are the perfect garment with which to cultivate that enigmatic "baggy" look. And, being unanimously self-conscious and and afraid of having sex-appeal, this has come to be one of the top styles for unpopular girls everywhere.



Also, sweaters are a great asset in unpopular girls' ever-progressing, but ultimately fruitless quest to be old (British) men.

Things They Like #1: Freaks and Geeks

Unanimously, unpopular girls love Freaks and Geeks.

They love it because it is "so real" while still being "funny" and "not too dramatic." They also like it because it (and Detroit Rock City) inspires them to wear army-jackets, and then they can be "alternative."



Unpopular girls would like The OC and My So-Called Life, but they are too main-stream to brag to their friends about owning the box-set or reading the complete scripts or watching the DVD commentary. Some unpopular girls do like The OC, but only in an ironic way -- "oh, yeah, I used to watch that back in seventh grade; when the first season first aired. I totally was in love with Seth, el oh el." And My So-Called Life has Jared Leto in it, and unpopular girls cannot like anything connected with People's Top 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, except in association with Darren Aronofsky, of course.

Not to say that the cast from Freaks and Geeks didn't go on to do anything, though. Unpopular girls loved Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and they just about orgasmed when Superbad came out -- Michael Austin Cera in a Seth Rogen film, about unpopular kids?! HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!

Unpopular girls also love to point out the fact that Joe Lo Truglio is in Superbad. Ask them who he is, and they will wet themselves with excitement at the opportunity to discuss one of their "favorite alternative sketch comedy groups of the nineteen-nineties."