Things They Like #17: Wearing Their PJs All Day Long

Who needs clothing when you've got sweat-pants and an "ironic" t-shirt purchased at Goodwill?

Not unpopular girls.

In terms of fashion, unpopular girls are notorious -- perhaps even more so than wearing hideous, unmatching, why-ever-did-she-ever-even-think-about-buying-that outfits -- for their love of pyjamas. Pyjamas all day long.



Grant unpopular girls one wish, and if they have already met the creator of their favorite television program, then they are going to ask that life have no dresscode, and that "I Got Ants in my Pants!" pyjama bottoms can finally count as formal wear.

PJs are so great because they are comfortable, they sometimes have deep pockets for holding things like MP3 players or pocket dictionaries, and they are loose enough to make room for any sort of body-consciousness. Like seriously, everybody basically looks like a baggy rhinoceros while wearing sweatpants.

But under no circumstance should people who enjoy donning "Juicy Suits" be considered in the same pyjama-category. That fashion statement is of an entirely different kind. Unpopular girls don't wear pyjamas with such suggestive language printed on the derriere. Unpopular girls also don't get laid.

Things They Like #16: Pride for Other People

Unpopular girls love feeling "proud" of people they have never met:

"Oh, I'm so proud of Dan Harmom and Rob Schrab for making Monster House -- it was actually funny, and school appropriate!"



But do not be fooled by this apparent enthusiasm for a multi-million-dollar picture. It is merely the standard unpopular girl response to any project that made one of their favorite actors/directors/screenwriters/musicians/novelists/comedians money, but not household-name status.

In the sad case that unpopular girl indie cred is actually lost, feelings of "pride" are immediately revoked, providing ample opportunity to complain about their hero "selling out". The best thing to do in a situation like this is to console, and reassure the unpopular girl that nobody even really noticed Michael Cera in Juno anyway.

Things They Like #15: Goodwill

Oh, Goodwill. Where else could unpopular girls find their old man sweaters, their ugly floral skirts, and their Elton John 1996 Concert t-shirts?

Nowhere. Except maybe somewhere kind of expensive. But then unpopular girls would miss out on that thrifty, self-satisfied feeling that comes with saving someone else's garbage from being thrown out again. And not even just garments! Goodwill (and to a lesser extent, Value Village and the Salvation Army) also accommodates unpopular girls in their never-ending thirst for obsolete technologies, ugly knick-knacks, and children's VHS tapes. Type-writers galore, ask an unpopular girl to go to Goodwill with you, and with $40 or less, she will purchase her wardrobe for the next four years, as well as a 1991 Karaoke Hits Tape. Who said you can't buy happiness?

Things They Like #14: Being an Old Man

Essentially, the goal of an unpopular girl's life is to be an old man. The sweaters, the hermitude -- it's all there. But don't confuse this geriatric-love with transgender feelings. A majority of transsexuals were actually quite popular girls/boys before they, well, trans-gendered. And it would be just too easy if all unpopular girls wanted to get a change in their down-there parts: "I pretty much knew when she dressed up as Max Fischer for Halloween."



No, unpopular girls want to be old men because this comes as a handy excuse for carrying handkerchiefs and calling people "son". It's also just a more realistic goal than saying that they want to grow up to be America's Next Top Model, or someone with multiple sex partners -- it's just not gonna happen, and unpopular girls, having gone through the strife of their parents' divorce or not being asked to Senior Prom, are grounded enough to accept this. Also, this old-man-desire lets unpopular girls feel as though they can somehow relate better to Dana Carvey's Grumpy Old Man bit. If ever they show this to you, or somehow get you into a conversation concerning it, just tell them, "Dude, when I saw that, I totally couldn't stop thinking of you -- and J.D. Salinger." You will have them elated for years to come.

Things They Like #13: Cats

Cats are the best kind of animal for unpopular girls because they can fill that space in their hearts and beds that should be devoted to a significant other.



Unpopular girls like cats because they:

-are adorable

-are hairy

-don't generally jump up on the table when someone left their chair pushed out and eat an entire pizza

-whine a lot

These attributes allow unpopular girls to relate to cats more than they do most other humans. They also enjoy the snuggling aspect of said animals.

Things They Don't Like #2: Getting Drunk

Unpopular girls have been drunk, if at all, one or two times during their unpopular lifetimes. Though not ever having engaged in alcohol consumption does cause them an adequate amount of sadness, the actual act of drinking seems, to them, anti-climactic. They do not make any grave "mistakes" that they will regret the following morning and for the rest of their lives, and they feel approximately the same amount of stupid and giggly that they usually do, though just with an added degree of nauseous.

The best thing you can do if you encounter a drunk unpopular girl is pork her, because then she can not only have a new life-experience to blog about and a new reason to attend therapy, but the feeling that she's reached a new plateau of normalcy. When in reality, she was just kind of tipsy and kept telling you to "rub one out".

Things They Like #12: The Internet

The internet is, hands down, the favorite thing of unpopular girls. It is such an intertwined aspect of their existence that they know, deep down, that they probably would have actually been very bored in the nineties.

The internet is great for myriad reasons. First, of course, is the watching-videos aspect. Unpopular girls could not get by without youtube and other streaming-video websites. Who watches television shows when they're actually airing? Not unpopular girls. Ask them to find X episode of X obscure television show, and they will gladly spend hours scouring the internet looking for it for you. Tell them you never could have found it without their help, and they will feel ecstatically happy and like a useful part of society for days.

In addition to posting blogs and reading wikipedia, the internet is also a great way for unpopular girls to keep up with the few friends they already have. There are sundry websites devoted to this sole task (facebook, myspace), but having obnoxiously long e-mail threads is a choice favorite of unpopular girls everywhere. Why call someone when you can hope that they'll go online and read your e-mail before it's too late?



When worst comes to worst, unpopular girls will send a text-message, but always with proper grammar and punctuation.