Things They Like #14: Being an Old Man

Essentially, the goal of an unpopular girl's life is to be an old man. The sweaters, the hermitude -- it's all there. But don't confuse this geriatric-love with transgender feelings. A majority of transsexuals were actually quite popular girls/boys before they, well, trans-gendered. And it would be just too easy if all unpopular girls wanted to get a change in their down-there parts: "I pretty much knew when she dressed up as Max Fischer for Halloween."



No, unpopular girls want to be old men because this comes as a handy excuse for carrying handkerchiefs and calling people "son". It's also just a more realistic goal than saying that they want to grow up to be America's Next Top Model, or someone with multiple sex partners -- it's just not gonna happen, and unpopular girls, having gone through the strife of their parents' divorce or not being asked to Senior Prom, are grounded enough to accept this. Also, this old-man-desire lets unpopular girls feel as though they can somehow relate better to Dana Carvey's Grumpy Old Man bit. If ever they show this to you, or somehow get you into a conversation concerning it, just tell them, "Dude, when I saw that, I totally couldn't stop thinking of you -- and J.D. Salinger." You will have them elated for years to come.

Things They Like #13: Cats

Cats are the best kind of animal for unpopular girls because they can fill that space in their hearts and beds that should be devoted to a significant other.



Unpopular girls like cats because they:

-are adorable

-are hairy

-don't generally jump up on the table when someone left their chair pushed out and eat an entire pizza

-whine a lot

These attributes allow unpopular girls to relate to cats more than they do most other humans. They also enjoy the snuggling aspect of said animals.

Things They Don't Like #2: Getting Drunk

Unpopular girls have been drunk, if at all, one or two times during their unpopular lifetimes. Though not ever having engaged in alcohol consumption does cause them an adequate amount of sadness, the actual act of drinking seems, to them, anti-climactic. They do not make any grave "mistakes" that they will regret the following morning and for the rest of their lives, and they feel approximately the same amount of stupid and giggly that they usually do, though just with an added degree of nauseous.

The best thing you can do if you encounter a drunk unpopular girl is pork her, because then she can not only have a new life-experience to blog about and a new reason to attend therapy, but the feeling that she's reached a new plateau of normalcy. When in reality, she was just kind of tipsy and kept telling you to "rub one out".

Things They Like #12: The Internet

The internet is, hands down, the favorite thing of unpopular girls. It is such an intertwined aspect of their existence that they know, deep down, that they probably would have actually been very bored in the nineties.

The internet is great for myriad reasons. First, of course, is the watching-videos aspect. Unpopular girls could not get by without youtube and other streaming-video websites. Who watches television shows when they're actually airing? Not unpopular girls. Ask them to find X episode of X obscure television show, and they will gladly spend hours scouring the internet looking for it for you. Tell them you never could have found it without their help, and they will feel ecstatically happy and like a useful part of society for days.

In addition to posting blogs and reading wikipedia, the internet is also a great way for unpopular girls to keep up with the few friends they already have. There are sundry websites devoted to this sole task (facebook, myspace), but having obnoxiously long e-mail threads is a choice favorite of unpopular girls everywhere. Why call someone when you can hope that they'll go online and read your e-mail before it's too late?



When worst comes to worst, unpopular girls will send a text-message, but always with proper grammar and punctuation.

Things They Like #11: Claymation

There is only one documented case of an unpopular girl not liking claymation, and that was because she was afraid of it. Other than her, every unpopular girl loves claymation because it is more "real" than computer-animation, and, like hand-drawn animation, takes an inordinately longer time to make. Thus, unpopular girls can feel proud that they spent many hours making something that would take only a few minutes on flash, and would look a lot less choppy.

If you ever encounter a rare silence during conversation with an unpopular girl, ask them about their most recent claymation or stop-motion project. Even if they have not yet made such a kind of video, they will most definitely be planning to, and will likely have a storyboard or two to happily show you.

Things They Like #10: Youtube Videos

Unpopular girls love basically everything about youtube videos. They love spending hours watching them, and they love spending hours making them, and they love spending hours uploading them. They also like linking to videos they have uploaded, sending each other videos they may or may have not uploaded, and making playlists so that they can find videos someone else uploaded again.



The one thing unpopular girls don't like about youtube videos is when people post negative comments on their videos. But the unpopular girls use this to their advantage by turning the comment into an insult about the commenter. They also like telling their friends about how ridiculously stupid everyone on youtube is.

Things They Like #9: Denny's

What better restaurant could there be for unpopular girls other than Denny's? None, with the possible exception of iHop. This is because Denny's combines some of unpopular girls' favorite things: carbohydrates, steak, and not paying very much money. Geeze, they can order a Breakfast Grand Slam, and get four bowls of creamy grits, for only $5.99! This is like breakfast-food heaven for unpopular girls.



Another thing unpopular girls enjoy doing is leaving notes for Denny's wait-staff to read. Often, though not always, these notes will take the form of a clever poem, rhyming something with the server's first name.